Ebbs and Flows

I've been reminded lately that there are ebbs and flows of life. Sometimes are good and others, well...not so good. And why is it that when life is all peaches and cream, we just aren't as quick to be on our knees before the Father seeking all of our strength from Him each day? Maybe that is why God brings us those difficult times, to remind us to be ever so close to Him and cling to the truths in His word.

I have desired to not paint an unrealistic picture of adoption but at the same time, not let this blog be a place to unload all my discouraged feelings. Ah...BALANCE. Where we should be. Somewhere in the middle, not swinging from extreme to extreme.



We have been focusing on one verse each week and writing it on our chalk board and memorizing it as a family. Hiding God's word in our hearts. Being purposeful in what we talk about at the table and encouraging our kids to live in a way that is against the grain.

I have also been praying a LOT about what to share when I lead a breakout session at Created for Care retreat in Jan. Spending a lot of time really seeking God's heart and pouring over the scriptures to know what He longs for us to know.

I kind of think these few steps toward a deeper walk with God has put our family back in the line of battle. Satan and his workers are working hard at discouragement and finding our weaknesses and bringing some hard times to our family (ah...hem...the Ebbs and Flows).

And in the struggles...I have had to live what I share with others. I have had to cling to the truths of God's word when all else seems loss. I have had to pray back through the names of God and remind myself all that I know about who God is and how He works. I have had to choose joy and count my blessings. I have had to be patient when the flesh inside of me wanted to lash out in frustration. I have had to rely on God for every ounce of strength when I felt entirely too weak.

As I have said many times before...it's hard, but not impossible. Because with God...ALL things are possible.

somehow tonight was different

Tonight as I tucked my "Adu" into bed, he hugged my neck so tight and held on for dear life. He always spends awhile rocking in my arms and snuggling in while I pray for him and sing to him as he settles down and starts to fall asleep. But, somehow...tonight was different. He just didn't want to let go. He held on and clung to me. The was a unique closeness that we shared as he rested in my arms.

Did it have anything to do with having a "good day" as a family...or perhaps he was attuned to the reality of orphan Sunday as we shared at church a little of our testimony of how God brought our family together...possibly it was because I had a terrible headache this afternoon and he was being extra tender with me because he knew I didn't feel well. What ever the case...and for what ever reason, he allowed me into a deeper level of the real Tyson Fikadu tonight. He felt a little more safe...a little more secure...and it was like I could almost see him opening the door and welcoming me in a little closer to his heart. A heart that has needed strong protection because he has been hurt and his trust has been broken. But, tonight, another piece of his puzzle was put in place and I'm able to see more of the whole picture. I have been able to watch as God heals and showers His loving kindness on him.

So...just as I have consistently done for the past 8 months, I prayed with him, sang to him, held him for awhile and then gently placed him on his pillow and covered him up with covers. And as I am I always do, I leaned in and kissed his cheek and whispered, "I love you". But, this time was different, he whispered back..."I love you too."

He finally shared about his birth family

Today was the first time that Tyson Fikadu opened up and mentioned his birth family. We have been waiting and listening and curious if and when he would say anything about them. So after 5 months and enjoying his first happy meal, today was the day.

Chuck had taken him along for the morning and as they were driving around the city, he noticed the signs all around town. This must have triggered a memory for him. He then started sharing stories of bringing old signs to someone for money (sounds like he got 10 burr) and then he would take the money and buy food to share with his family. He actually used the phrase "my family". I am so glad he is able to start to share about his life before the orphanage. All we have heard about Ethiopia was his time at Hannah's Hope (the transition home he lived in). I had started to wonder if he would end up blocking some memories, but he felt comfortable enough to share.

We have worked hard at allowing our family to be a safe place for the boys. Believing that when the level of trust was established, Tyson Fikadu would open up and share some memories. Not only to give us a glimpse into his world, but also so we can record these for him so he can keep a connection to his life in Ethiopia.

We have learned a lot in the last few weeks of the extreme measures their family went to to provide food for the children. We have no idea what it must be like to feel the pains of hunger. Or as a mama, to not have enough food for her little ones. Needless to say, my heart is heavy tonight with processing these thoughts. I am feeling so unworthy of being the mama. What a precious privilege that God has entrusted these precious boys to our care.

Dear Sweet Peas,

I am so thankful that God matched us together. He knew that we would be the best fit. I love how He works to bring different pieces of fabric together to make such a beautiful quilt. It is an honor to be your mom. I pray I raise you boys well. I pray that you come to know God early and always walk with Him.

Love, Mom

invisible baggage

As much as I want to be positive about our experience, I don't ever want to paint an unrealistic picture of what adoption really is. And so, because of my desire to keep it real (HERE is another great post on keeping it real) and help another who may be struggling with the lows of adoption...I share.



The reality is, most international older (other than infant) children who are adopted do not come into your family alone. With them, they bring their invisible baggage. You may not see it very often, but it is there. The difficult circumstances that they have been through that, at times they don't know how to handle the pain. And due to the limited information that you may have on your child's history, you may not even know what they cart around in those bags.

FEAR

BROKENNESS

HURT

ANGER

REJECTION

ABUSE

NEGLECT

PAIN

As great as the strides you make each day to help your children heal from the difficult place they come from...you can't fix it for them. You can't make it go away. You can't go back and change history. You have no control of what they have gone through. And to be honest, they have gone through a lot. (Read a good possible situation HERE to understand what might have taken place in their life).

Our social worker reminded me that it is important to accept that I can't change it and fix it. Acknowledging it will help me focus my energy on being supportive when our boys are struggling. And struggle, they do. There are times it feels like we take 2 steps forward and then one step back. We are not where we were 5 months ago, but we are not where we long to be.

I pray every day that GOD will heal the hurt and pain and brokenness. Oh...to see the brokenness first hand is hard. Grieving is normal for these kids. And they grieve in many different ways. Crying, sleeping, refusing to sleep, acting out, disobeying, rejecting, being difficult...all normal ways for these little ones to act. And one of my new phrases I've come up with is, "just because it's normal, doesn't mean it's easy". Everything we have experienced so far is NORMAL.

These little ones don't have the coping skills to process what they are feeling. And there are times that something triggers something from their previous life and then we have a few days of set back. A few days of grieving, rejecting, showing us their brokenness.

We had one of those days yesterday. Chuck had gone for his morning walk with Tyce (our 4yo) and he was all smiles and happy. Then they walked into the kitchen and I greeted him. The moment he saw me, his face fell. He wouldn't make eye contact with me. He was angry and defiant, he rejected me all day and was just out of sorts. The only thing I could get him to communicate was that he had a dream about Ethiopia and it made him sad. It clearly triggered some difficult feelings toward me, the mama (which is NORMAL to have rejection toward the mom only). And when he saw me that morning, he was reminded of it. I don't know if it was something about his birth family, or being left at the orphanage, or who knows what. But those feelings are real and he is a broken little 4 year old that is trying to process the pain the best he can.

And in those moments, I stay close to him. Hold him, pray with him, say loving things to him and try to reassure him that I will always be here for him and love him. And when we have days like that...I pray. I pray that God will heal their pain and hurt. That the Holy Spirit will do a miracle in their lives that will transform them to children that can understand love and God's grace.

So, today, we get up and the very visible baggage that was being carted around our home yesterday is back in the closet. It isn't gone, for the pain and brokenness is deep. It will be back and we will be reminded that they have experienced significant hurt in their little lives and we will take another step back. It will be an obvious reminder that they need the flow of the Spirit in their lives. The healing touch of Jesus.

I wonder what it was like the day your heart broke....

I have been thinking a lot about all of the different trauma and experiences that our boys have gone through. In just their few short years of life they have experienced so many difficult things and situations and I can only begin to imagine how hard it has been for them.

I have seen these sweet peas come so far in just over two months. Their world has completely changed and they have handled all the stress of transition extremely well. Yes...we have had some good moments and some NOT so good moments, and if I were to make a blanket statement, they have done really well. But for some reason, tonight, it is good for me to process through some different feelings and thoughts (almost therapeutic for me - thanks for the encouragement to do so Dad).

And so...I wonder what it was like the day our boys' heart broke.

My precious sweet peas, I wonder what it was like when you figured it out that your birth mom wasn't coming back to pick you up. I wonder if you understood that she made the choice that she did because she love you enough to let you go. Her love was strong enough, deep enough, sacrificial enough to let you have life. A life that she couldn't give you.

Food.
A home.
Education.
Opportunities.

The little information we have about your birth mom includes the wish and prayer that she wants you to know that it was only poverty that forced her to let you go. Notice I didn't say "give you up". There is a difference. She was giving you life. Releasing you to live.

When she took you to the orphanage that led you to Hannah's Hope, when did you figure out that she wasn't coming back. That moment is the one that breaks my heart. That idea that I can't shake, that you, my babies, lost trust. A trust that we are trying so hard to rebuild. A trust that only God can heal in your hearts and minds. You must have felt so alone and abandoned.

I wonder how much you understood. When you knew. Did your birth mom explain it to you, my precious boys? Even if you were told, did you understand? Most likely, you only understood a little, but the wound is still deep. Each time Daddy returns from work and you run like crazy to meet him at the door and wrap your arms around him and hug and kiss him...I get a little glimpse of hope. Hope that God is rebuilding that trust, that the people who love you and care for you will return.

I am sorry. I am so sorry that I wasn't there to protect you from the pain and the loss. You have experienced such difficult loss and as a mother, I want to protect you from any harm and pain you may experience. I have had to trust that our God, who loves you more than I, will protect you and care for you and heal you in His perfect time.

I wasn't there when your heart broke. When the trust was broken. But...I am so thankful that God has allowed me to be part of your healing. I am committed to you. And I take comfort in knowing that God knows, and understands and He promises He will not leave you as orphans, He will come to you (John 14:18).

Love, Mom