LOVE brings us HOME

Finally finished my wall phrase. Actually, Chuck finished it. I have been hunting for something to paint on the wall in our entry way and I found this phrase on a picture frame and stenciled it on the wall and then painted it. The delivery isn't perfect, but I really like it.

12 MONTHS home !!!!!

So can you believe we have been home for 12 MONTHS??? That is officially ONE YEAR with our boys here. Woo HOO!!! We had big plans for a BIG celebration and then...we ALL got the FLU. Each and everyone of us had the fever, the cough, the aches, the pain, the stuffy nose, the whole thing. It was 10+ days of all of us being sick and down on the couch. So we totally missed our exciting GOTCHA DAY celebration.

But I still want to document how far we have come in our family. I really anticipated our anniversary month of coming home to more difficult than it has been. Anniversary triggers are really common and it was also the first time I was away from the boys for an extended period of time (2 big sleeps). I was able to go to the Created For Care retreat in Atlanta and spend some time filling up my cup so I could then go and pour back into my family.

We have seen such GREAT strides in the boys in the past few months. Both boys are really continuing to do really well with their adjustment. Changes in routine are not as difficult as they once were. We are not having as many difficulties with rejection or control. We are seeing both boys use more and more appropriate skills to handle the struggles that they seem to have. All of the hard work of cocooning and limiting their environment has been well worth it.

I believe that having a simple routine and not too stimulating environment gives a GREAT place for a foundation for healing to begin. Kids who come from traumatic situations need the opportunity to "let down" and know that they are safe. If you decide to just graft your kids into a "typical American family" continuing with lots of activities, you MAY postpone some healing. Please understand I share not because I think we have all the right ways to do things (because we have made MANY mistakes along the way) or to judge how you may adjust as a family. I just want to encourage families to really think about their transition plan. I have read and listened to Dr. Purvis and have really gleaned great advice from her. Here is great resource to listen to if you are interested in finding out more about Dr. Purvis.

http://empoweredtoconnect.org/children-from-hard-places-what-everyone-needs-to-know/

So...back to my update. We are doing well. It is feeling more and more normal. We still live a simple life and that works for us. TF goes to his Mom's Morning Out program 2 mornings a week. I have cut him back to just 3 hours each time. We are praying about what will be the best situation for school next year. Exploring our options and praying that God would really lead and guide us.

Tyson shares more and more about his life in Ethiopia. We try and record it all down so we can share it with him some day if he forgets. God has given him a great gift in his memory. He still really misses his birth family and bed time (when he is alone sleeping) continues to be a struggle. We are working really hard at making it easy for him, but also trying to not let his struggles dominate our evening routine. It is a balancing act.

Tate continues to shut down when he feels insecure of unsure of others. He doesn't like to interact with many people but lights up for us at home. Interactions with others MUST be on his terms. He seems to hold onto his fears and relives traumatic moments (like a neighbor's dog running up to him). He can still pitch a fit when he wants his way and has done this a few times out in public (yes...it is embarrassing when your toddler will NOT sit in the shopping cart). We are seeing more joy in his personality and he has brought so much cheer to our family.

I am still trying to learn how to juggle 4 kids. I am doing better, but there are days I feel like it is a LOT of work. I am working hard at carving out time for Chuck and I each evening but I have not done a great job of making time for myself.

We are still getting our schooling done each week, though I feel like it's not as much as I'd like. Trying to really seek God for our next school year and desiring to make some changes. Tate still doesn't go to his class at church but Tyson does most weeks. He seems older than most of the kids there and has struggled with finding friends. We are praying for friend connections with all of our kids. The general dynamics of our family (both due to adoption and homeschooling)has made it more challenging here in our current state.

In the next few months my goals are:

• get both boys down to bed in less time (still sitting with them until they sleep)
• make a good decision for school for 3 of the kids
• take Tate to the story time at the library 2 times a month
• enjoy the next soccer season for Tyce
• leave all the kids with a sitter so Chuck and I can go out to dinner
• take some more family photos
• work on our families adoption story via video
• pray more with each child each day
• parent my kids more in the spirit
• improve eye contact with the boys
• laugh more together
• Blog more =)
  

Until next time.

Post Placement Photos

As per the requirements for the post placement reports that are required by the Ethiopian adoption system, we must send in about 10 pictures of each of the boys. There are different requirements, like a close up of their face, a full body shot, a picture of the whole family together. And as easy as this sounds, it is a bit more difficult for some kids than for others.

I was digging through some old files on my computer of pictures of the kids and realized, I have TONS of pictures of Tate, but very few of them are very good. Each time I have to send my pictures in for our post placement report, I feel like I am scrambling for some good pictures.

You see, Tate is the KING of picture sabotage. He completely shuts down for most pictures. I have spent months trying to figure it out...why are pictures so hard for him. Well...all I can figure is that one of the first times he had his photo taken was for his relinquishment paperwork. And honestly, that must have been such a difficult and terrifying time for him.

So...I try to capture him when I can, but I wanted to include these pictures on the blog here to show how far we have come. He still shuts down a lot for pictures, but we have gotten a few smiles out of him.
I think these were for the boy's 6 month post placement report. We are long gone past that one, in fact, we have now made it past the ONE YEAR mark and had our first GOTCHA Day (even if we were all sick, we still celebrated in our hearts).

It's been 11 months

Just wanted to post a quick update. It seems like my time on the computer is almost down to nothing. I am one busy mama. With schooling the kids, running the home, doing chores, ALWAYS having my kids with me, organizing an adoption support group, teaching a class...my list goes on...I just don't have a lot of time to update my blog.

And to be honest, blogging has become a way to journal our family as we continue to adjust. And hopefully it can provide some hope and encouragement to other adoptive families. I spent much more time combing over blogs and reading before we brought our boys home. It was a great way to prepare and maybe it is that for you.

So...back to the update.

Can I just say...11 months. WOW. I can hardly believe we are nearing upon our one year anniversary of our gotcha day. So much has changed. Not only for us...but for the boys too. We have come so far from those first few days and weeks and months home. I almost wish I could go back and revisit a day at the beginning to remember how much has changed.

• Language - the boys' English language is fantastic. New words every day. Longer sentences. Less made up words for Tate and more understanding of what he is saying. Tyce still has a strong accent (which we all love).
  

• Sleeping - We currently have Tate in a crib (now all the way across the room from me). He is held until he falls asleep at nap time and is able to fall asleep on his own at bed time. I still stay in the room until he falls asleep. I am still co-sleeping (in the same room). Tyce is in his own room. He is able to play quietly for nap time and our bed time routine is much smoother now. He still shows fears of night time and being afraid of the dark. Chuck is doing most of his tuck in time at night (while I work with Tate). He isn't acting out as much at night time and seems to be able to calm himself down a little more. There is often a mat on the floor of the room I share with Tate and Tyce can use it anytime he wants.
  

• Coping skills vs. family skills - Both boys are using less of their coping skills and have gains some much needed family skills (if you have read Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child you are familiar with those terms). Tyce doesn't seem to be a "performer" anymore and instead tends to "spaz out and then shut down". And to be honest, he has fewer and fewer "shut down" moments. He is able to use some skills to settle down and calm his body when he is feeling "wild" or "spazzy". Tate is having fewer tantrums and is able to express his disappointment in more appropriate ways. Instead of throwing a fit, he might say he is "sad" or "Tay Tay walk away".

• Activities - Tyce is still in his Mom's morning out program. He goes 2 mornings a week and seems to like it. I'm trying to evaluate if it is the best thing for "our" relationship. It seems he feels disconnected when he comes home. He tends to act out more on those days or the day after. He is also part of Sunday School and although he likes it, hasn't connected great with the other kids. He doesn't act out at all, but seems to keep to himself and doesn't try to break into a group of kids. We may try him in an older class. Tate is doing much better with groups of people. He still pulls away and doesn't like having others around, but he is able to eat in front of them a little and can play when others are around. He will often retreat to the farthest spot when someone drops by the house (play in the basement or upstairs). Tate went to his SS class for 15 mins without me last week.
  

• Rest of the family - People often ask how the girls are adjusting. And to be totally honest...they are doing VERY well. They both have adjusted to being big sisters. Having little ones around has brought out great skills and traits in both of them. Tissy plays very well with Tyce (he loves his big sisters). Tally has become a little mother to Tate (and the whole clan). I often reminder her that she is the sister, not the mama. It does take time to adjust to any new kids in the home, but we do a lot of debriefing and talking and validating their feelings. Our family dynamics are feeling more and more normal.

• Eating - Both boys have accepted our American diet. Tyce does miss injera and likes to remember the foods he ate in Ethiopia. We try to offer familiar foods and make things like lentils. Neither of the boys eat much sugar (they have a hard time settling down after sweets). We don't offer desserts after meals nor do we have sugary snacks. Tate eats most of his food with his hands (although he can use a fork and spoon). He will even eat oatmeal, soup, salad with his hands. Neither of the boys seem to show big signs of food issues (hording, panicking when food is over, finding comfort in food and not mom). We do keep emergency food in the car, bedroom and school backpack for Tyce. If he gets too hungry if he missed snack time, it causes him to cry (something that is hard to see). Both boys would choose apple or banana over chips and crackers.
  

• Family age - both boys are now 11 months old (according to their family age). Both have shown normal signs of stranger anxiety and separation anxiety. Tyce has asked me to stay with him in his SS class, which of course I did. We talk about how mom comes back and he hinted that "mommies don't always come back". Breaks your heart. Tate is still always with Chuck or me and Tyce is only away from us for his MDO or his SS class. We have worked really hard to only expect behavior out of them that is "family age" appropriate.

• Nature vs. Nurture - I am seeing more and more behavior and mannerisms that are "nurture" oriented rather than "nature" oriented. I hear "my phrases" coming out of them. It is amazing to see how you truly become like those you spend time with. I also still see both boys doing things in "African" style (carrying things on their heads). Tyce still gravitate toward his little friend who was also adopted (watches out for her, plays more with her...). I think they share a deep common connection that others don't share.

• Cocooning - We are homebodies by nature, and because it can be hard for the boys when we do TOO many activities, we do limit how much we do and what we do. Like we skip things like McDonald's play land and loud, wild, out of control places like that. We are involved in a small group and in small bits, we can spend time with those kinds of kids. Chuck and I are still the only ones to do most of the "nurturing" things (washing hands, dressing, getting their food, carrying them...). And neither of the boys hug, sit with, hold hands with other people. Sometimes Tally or Tissy with help with some nurturing things, but we are still persistent to be the only ones to do most of that kind of thing. Connection takes a LONG time and it is a slow process and we are working hard at being purposeful in how we do things here in our family.

I think that is about it for an update. It continues to go smoothly around here. It won't be unusual if we have a little set back around our one year anniversary. Anniversary dates are usually hard times for adopted kids. We keep plugging away and seeing great results in how we have done things.

Better run and get some things done around here...more later.

learning to play - and a little update

I bet you never thought you would have to teach a child to play. Kind of an odd idea and one that may not be normal in some families, but in a family with a newly adopted child you may find yourself "teaching kids to play". There are a variety of reasons that kids need some coaching in this area. It could be that developmentally they missed some stages in their previous settings, possibly that toys were not available, or what about the idea that kids had "adult" responsibilities put on them and they didn't have the freedom just to BE KIDS.


We have worked hard to provide lots of age appropriate toys and opportunities for the boys to learn to play. Our younger one has learned this a bit more quickly than our older one. Could be his age is just more teachable or maybe it is part of his personality. Tate is learning and exploring on a pretty normal level. He has really gone from exploring on an infant level to a toddler level. It is fun to watch him learn and explore and make up for some lost time.

Tate can entertain himself pretty well and he is learning to play with others. He has some GROWING to do in this area. But he still doesn't participate in the class at church yet and once he goes more often, he should learn some social skills pretty quickly. It seems to be more important to us to keep him with us and bond some more before he goes to class without us.

Tate still seems content observing kids play from a distance and he is slowly exploring and more willing to play with the kids rather than stay by mom's side. Tate has also learned to use pretend play and likes to make noises and uses drama in his play. He (as you can tell from the pictures) is more serious in his personality. He is still cautious with his smile and isn't eager to share it for the camera.

Now...Adu (that's what we call him...short for Fikadu)...he is a different story. Learning to play is a challenge for him. To ask him to go find a toy to play with is almost like punishment. This has been an unexpected challenge. He likes to play with YOU and not on his own. He like to "bug" his siblings or make noise to irritate those around him, but to play with a toy...almost unheard of. He hasn't learned to play pretend or dramatic play. He doesn't like most toys. He has really taken to games (like connect 4) and it helps to have his mind challenged. He doesn't do well if there is unstructured time (like free play time). He thrives off of routine and action and sports and people. He did GREAT at soccer and that was a perfect fit for him. He loved the challenge, the action, the game...the whole thing. We are missing that right now during the winter season.

We have seen improvement over the last months. He is slowly learning to find a puzzle, or play on his scooter or skateboard or go adventuring in the back yard. He does well if we give him a challenge like a scavenger hunt or an idea for an adventure. He is creative and has the mind of an engineer. He loves to create and draw and figure things out. He enjoys writing letters and numbers and creating pictures of our family. But give him some ninja fighting action figures...no thanks.


This was a day he took a boogie board and surfed down the creek that is behind our home. It was so fun to watch him balance and hop on and SLOWLY float down the stream. He had a BLAST. He was playing. And it was an absolute JOY to watch him.

He is LEARNING to PLAY. It takes time. He may not always gravitate toward toys and traditional play time. We have learned to trust God in how he designed our boys. They are created in His image. They are exactly how He wants them to be.

CHANGE of PLANS

If you already didn't have it on your radar...here is a link to the movie tonight.

http://changeofplansthemovie.com/change-of-plans/

And here is a discussion guide to use if you wish.

http://www.pluggedin.com/~/media/PIO/Images/Movies/2011/M1/ChangeofPlanDiscussionGuide.pdf

I've been processing...

Adoption is a LOT to process both for the children, the birth family and the adoptive family. It was important for me to spend some time privately processing the different emotions and thoughts that have been running through my mind.

There isn't a day that I don't thank God from the bottom of my heart for bringing ALL of our children into our home and family. I have seen perfectly how God knew that we would be the best ones to raise our children.

I have been almost overwhelmed with emotion and feelings of where our boys came from. The extreme poverty is almost more than I can comprehend. We need to be realistic and accept that our boys "had a life" before they came home to us. A life that they lived, full of memories (both good and bad), family members, friends, traditions, experiences...all that we know very little of.

November was a hard month for us. We experienced a few "firsts" in our home and had a few changes around here that added up to a difficult month. November is also the month that the boys moved to their orphanage/transition home. Adopted children will often remember the "anniversary" of their traumatic events and process some of the feelings that come from their memories. It has all been good...but hard.

We've had really good break throughs and we've been able to get a little deeper and help Tyson work through some of his feelings and thoughts. God has been gracious and given him a tremendous ability to share what he is really feeling. And because of that, we have been able to help him work through a few of his fears and concerns.

Like I said...a LOT has happened in the past few weeks. Thank you to our friends and family that have faithfully prayed for us. We are so grateful and thankful for the continued support. And just think...it was just a year ago that God provided our financial needs to accept the referral of our boys. Feel free to visit those blog posts for some encouragement and to be reminded of God's faithfulness.