Wednesday, May 5, 2010

I wonder what it was like the day your heart broke....

I have been thinking a lot about all of the different trauma and experiences that our boys have gone through. In just their few short years of life they have experienced so many difficult things and situations and I can only begin to imagine how hard it has been for them.

I have seen these sweet peas come so far in just over two months. Their world has completely changed and they have handled all the stress of transition extremely well. Yes...we have had some good moments and some NOT so good moments, and if I were to make a blanket statement, they have done really well. But for some reason, tonight, it is good for me to process through some different feelings and thoughts (almost therapeutic for me - thanks for the encouragement to do so Dad).

And so...I wonder what it was like the day our boys' heart broke.

My precious sweet peas, I wonder what it was like when you figured it out that your birth mom wasn't coming back to pick you up. I wonder if you understood that she made the choice that she did because she love you enough to let you go. Her love was
strong enough, deep enough, sacrificial enough to let you have life. A life that she couldn't give you.
A home.

The little information we have about your birth mom includes the wish and prayer that she wants you to know that it was only poverty that forced her to let you go. Notice I didn't say "give you up". There is a difference. She was giving you life. Releasing you to live.

When she took you to the orphanage that led you to Hannah's Hope, when did you figure out that she wasn't coming back. That moment is the one that breaks my heart. That idea that I can't shake, that you, my babies, lost trust. A trust that we are trying so hard to rebuild. A trust that only God can heal in your hearts and minds. You must have felt so alone and abandoned.

I wonder how much you understood. When you knew. Did your birth mom explain it to you, my precious boys? Even if you were told, did you understand? Most likely, you only understood a little, but the wound is still deep. Each time Daddy returns from work and you run like crazy to meet him at the door and wrap your arms around him and hug and kiss him...I get a little glimpse of hope. Hope that God is rebuilding that trust, that the people who love you and care for you will return.

I am sorry. I am so sorry that I wasn't there to protect you from the pain and the loss. You have experienced such difficult loss and as a mother, I want to protect you from any harm and pain you may experience. I have had to trust that our God, who loves you more than I, will protect you and care for you and heal you in His perfect time.

I wasn't there when your heart broke. When the trust was broken. But...I am so thankful that God has allowed me to be part of your healing. I am committed to you. And I take comfort in knowing that God knows, and understands and He promises He will not leave you as orphans, He will come to you (John 14:18).

Love, Mom


  1. oh, this made me cry..beautifully written..and oh so true..kj

  2. so true. so well written... made me tear up. so much heartache for such little people...

  3. Thank you for sharing your heart...

  4. Precious thoughts, Cris. I think of how long it has taken for Dad's heart to heal - from the surgery - and picture you and our LORD GOD as the ones who are healing their little hearts. Soon this healing time will be over and they will be just as whole and healthy as their sisters!

  5. Cris - thanks for posting this - my heart has been breaking for our little girl for a month now. thank you.

  6. So beautiful Cris.

  7. This is why YOU needed to be their mama. Thank you for your tender loving heart.

  8. Crying .......knowing this is soo true....knowing that we as mommies try to protect our children soo much and yet we can't protect them from something that is sooo hard! You put great words to thoughts I have had.

  9. Thinking of that sweet mama on Mother's hard to let go.

    Thanks for sharing your heart. Trusting God to heal her heart, their hearts and yours.

  10. So beautiful. I have had so many similar feelings for my kiddos. I have cried tears over their loss.

  11. Cris, I love reading your blog! I met you at one of the Ethiopian fellowships in Nashville, and I'm thrilled to get a peek into your story. We'll be getting two of our own soon... Thanks for sharing.

  12. It is hard to comprehend the changes these children (and others) go through. We pray for them, and others we know who are trying to survive, learning to trust.

  13. Beautiful! I have tears in my eyes...

  14. You've put beautiful words to some of my deepest thoughts. This Ethiopian family that will soon become my family, what are they each going through - right now. What heart breaks, what despair, what fear, what... I pray that God will draw them each close to his side and blanket them with his love that passes all understanding. Blessings to you & yours, Leslie Roche

  15. Very well put Cris. Thank you for putting your thoughts into words.