Sunday, March 7, 2010
I tucked the boys into bed for the first time just 2 weeks ago
My oh my how my world has changed in just 2 short weeks. On one hand it feels like the longest 2 weeks ever and then on the other, it seems like so much has happened that it has felt like years instead of weeks.
We met the boys just 2 weeks ago. It is almost a surreal feeling to walk up and have someone introduce you to your children. So very different than having someone hand them to you after you have spent hours delivering them. Different and yet the same.
You still feel the same rush of adrenaline and shaky hands and teary eyes. The same out pouring of love like you would do anything in the world to make them happy and keep them safe. You feel like you have known them forever and yet you don't know a thing about them. Like I said, the same yet different.
The first night we had the boys with us and the evening turned into night time and it was time for bed, I felt so unsure of myself. I have been a mama for over 10 years and I believe God designed me to be a mom from before the beginning of time, yet I had never tucked these sweet little guys into bed before.
I wanted to scoop them both up and cuddle them and show how much I loved them as I sweetly rocked them to sleep in my arms. BUT...I was a complete stranger to them. There was no trust between us. They didn't have any reason to feel comfortable in my arms. So instead I awkwardly patted their back as they pulled away from me and I sang them to sleep. That first night, I laid our little man Tate on the bed and patted him and the look in his eyes and saw nothing less than sure fear. They did in fact sleep the whole night (and have ever since) but the insecurity was most obvious.
So...fast forward 2 weeks and let me share about tucking them into bed tonight. Like I said before, we are just beginning to see signs of trust and connection. I will not prematurely say that the boys have bonded or attached to us. But I do see beginning signs of it.
Tonight after dinner and bath and a rub down with lotion, I put them into their jammies. We then were able to read some books on the couch as we sit close and cuddle. Little man Tate is pretty squirmy so Chuck ends up holding him or keeping him entertained while I focus on Tyson Fikadu. He has a few favorite books that he likes to read over and over and so we do. Then we climb the stairs and say good night to the big sisters as we turn out the lights and find a good cuddle position. Just recently has Tyson started sitting in my lap for some rocking and cuddling. I have been taking my cues from him and have just been rubbing his back as I sing and pray with him. But tonight as he snuggled in my lap I prayed quietly in my heart for God to allow him to connect and bond and attach. 2 nights in a row he has fallen asleep in my arms accepting love and affection from me, his mom of just 2 weeks.
Meanwhile Chuck holds our little man and cuddles him in the room next door. And when I finally lay TF into his bed, I make my way over to rock my littlest one to sleep. Instead of fear and crying and the most awful look of fear in his eyes, my little guy will now rest on my shoulder or sit in my cradled arms as I rock and sing and pray for him. Since we are sharing a bed and he isn't being put to sleep in a crib, I can't put him down until he is fully asleep. I love when I can feel his little body relax and give into sleep.
God has given me some glimpses of hope that these little sweet peas are starting to feel safe, cared for, loved on and part of the family. It is just the beginning but I can seel huge changes in just 2 weeks.
Now...this is not to say it is all perfect. NOPE. We have our harry moments many times throughout the day where we struggle, but when the baby reaches his arms up for me and wants to be held it is a glimpse of hope.
Dear Sweet Peas, I continue to pray every day that God would allow you to connect and bond and attach to us. That you will soon see that you are part of our family and find it a safe place of love and peace. Love, Mom